TRUTH OR DARE
I Choose Self-Care
Truth or Dare games, I find, are horribly invasive — I understand the game may have originated as an exercise to ‘break the ice’ but looking back, those games made me feel ‘uncool’ for being so shy and rarely having anything “interesting” to contribute. I didn’t know how to assert myself, then and given a choice — you know what I’d pick (see title). On that note, I’ve been thinking about self-care, its interpretations in today’s world, and using it as a tool for one’s well-being.
“Why do I need self-care?”
As I’ve come to interpret self-care — it’s a quietly powerful set of things you adopt to put into practice whenever times are agonising or stressful. At first, it serves the purpose of a momentary cure (like the ‘grounding’ technique) and over time, it evolves into a form of self-discipline that works for your body, mind and soul. Self-care is akin to self-preservation, thereby ensuring you check in on yourself, regularly.
“Isn’t self-care selfish?”
Well, it depends on who you’ve been talking to! I get the feeling that people look at self-care as frivolous and indulgent maybe because “Time and tide wait for none.” It’s not untrue that time is eternal in its nature of swiftly passing us by, and while it might not resonate for all — this is my truth: I like a quiet life. I might not be able to savour every moment but experiencing each one counts for me. Whenever I’m muddled or overwhelmed, and my emotions, askew — I can’t function properly, my boundaries feel violated and my cup has usually run out. This was me, some months ago — I felt unseen, unheard and rejected. I didn’t seek help or talk to my family and friends at the time, instead I randomly chose to withdraw from everyone and isolate myself. Oddly enough, unhealthy as it was, the place I retreated to became my ‘cave of introspection.’ I had no one to listen to except myself, and for the first time in never, it (gradually) helped me ascend to a state of heightened self-awareness and -discovery. It brought about a change in mind-set I’d been yearning to possess for years, ‘That I was, am, and will be enough.’
“You had me at boundaries. Please tell me more?”
I’m not an expert or a psychology student, though I reckon that self-care assists in creating better boundaries. We’re taught from an early age that to be alone to or want to do things differently means we’ll be singled out or we’ll miss out. Self-care gets a bad rap because “folks” deem it selfish for not wanting to share yourself with others. Except the truth is self-care ensures you rely less on variables outside of you and focus on your inner workings, first and foremost (learning to listen to your intuitions, trusting them to guard and guide you). This leads me to an even more profound realisation: Self-care isn’t a one-time thing. Often times, we’re dependent on friends or partners to provide us with compassion and grace. It isn’t wrong to seek emotional comfort via your peeps, it isn’t healthy though to avoid looking for it from within. Should you believe yourself an empathetic person, you might occasionally feel emotionally drained from over-extending yourself. This isn’t to say you be cruel and unkind in your dealings with others, just know that it’s alright (and necessary) to ask for space to deal with your own energies. You can love people without feeling the need to swoop in and save everybody. This, dear reader, is a call-out for me as much as for you.
“What should a self-care routine look like?”
I’m glad you asked! So it might be a not-out-of-the-ordinary set of activities or exercises, however, for reasons aplenty — it’s going to be uniquely comforting to you as to me. I have a daily practice in place for basically basic stuff, and with respect to whatever else brings me joy — a motley crew gets me going, heh. (I don’t just mean masturbation!) I’ve been religiously journalling for the past six months, and I’m not ready to denounce it yet — it’s brought me clarity of mind, and other merry gifts. Another very specific thing I turn to (especially when I’m working) is the Gone Girl soundtrack. — I believe the trick is to think of various things that work as ‘soothers’ for you and slot them under sight, smell, sound, taste, touch.
“What about all the lush, luxurious stuff?”
One can’t deny that with the rise in the talk spanning mental health, self-care products are now having a moment when it comes to consumerism — which I am, sadly, not immune to, just yet. As my allowance allows, I’ll buy myself a Rs. 100 Korean sheet mask to slap on, every other week. Other times, I seek solace via my favourite essential oils — yay, bucket-baths! I’ve also finally dived headfirst into the world of astrology and tarot (I’d always been keen to uncover more)… I’ll be ordering my first tarot deck, soon (this might get to being an expensive hobby). Before sleeping, I like to watch ASMR videos on YouTube. So you see! Self-care is different to every Tehmina, Debjani and Helga.
“When do I practise self-care?”
Practising it at a time when your surroundings are most peaceful (mornings are nice) will ensure the routine you develop is going to be something you constantly seek out as a pre-emptive self-care measure. Por ejemplo, I like having a few quiet hours to myself, every day, before taking to coffee and my computer. Having a bath, getting dressed, doing chores, journalling and then beginning work are what I consider sacred as rituals. It’s basic AF, yep — and it feels like I’ve been programming my body to do the work when my mind just won’t give. Some days, I light rosemary or sage (an energy-cleansing exercise, if you will)… It’s fairly easy and inexpensive to make your own bundles at home.
“How do I know it’s working?”
I’ll give you the clichéd, vague answer… You’ll know when you know. No, but seriously, with time, we grow wiser at discerning what works for us or not. That’s an incredibly interesting thing about self-care, it grows with you. You find that it’s not life that gets better, you do. As we age, the levels get complex. Trust that the version of you at each point is a different, more evolved being. As always, note that things take time. Building boundaries, sticking to a self-care routine etc. can’t happen overnight… Every step towards your wellbeing counts.
A version of this story first appeared on KAHA MIND, an online counselling platform founded by Aakriti Joanna, a mental health professional based in Bangalore.
