… Lessons from 2019
Today is the 29th of February, a rare occurrence, and I consider it one of life’s many magically-and-mysteriously wonderful gifts. Even though the title of this essay is two months late with respect to it possessing any kind of clickbait appeal seeing as we’re well into 2020, consider this the birthday essay I meant to write, weeks ago (only you didn’t know that, of course)…
Let’s get right to it then! [I hope this isn’t all over the place, and that you could possibly relate— I would love it if these ramblings-and-(ahem)-reasonings help you on your own path in some way. (Please remember to click on the embedded links, I believe there’s some possibly-relevant-to-you material ‘in’ there on the points I wrote about.)]
1
Boundaries are good, important and powerful for all.
Erecting boundaries, last year, initially came from a darkish place, I am rueful to admit. It felt like I wanted to exact ‘revenge’ on those who had supposedly wronged me (I was feeling unheard and unseen at the time).
I wanted to deny access to my availability and energies. Oddly enough, what the distance did was help me introspect on my own doings thus far and the life I had been living, in general. What it gave me was grace and perspective, whilst silencing all the other voices except for my own.
Distance can do one good, because often in joyous or dismal states and even, generally, our energies tend to get enmeshed with each other and in times of truly being, it doesn’t allow for us to operate from places that are authentic, ya know?
2
(Cute kittehs and other affectionate animals are the exception to this!)
I say the above from a completely clear head- and heart-space... We are allowed to protect ourselves. Our core, our energies. As soon as we learn that we are only to hold ourselves accountable, oh! it gets a lot better.
(Not easier, and yet better.)
3
Introverted-ness, you were never the boring or cowardly or weak one, my friend. I am sorry it took me far long to see you for who you were, are and will be. You are a part of me, and I love you.
There may have been a combination of factors that caused me to think (when I was younger) that being an extrovert was the favoured choice, and being an introvert was to be invisible (and not in a great way). I always imagined an extroverted version of me that was in the process of getting made, and it simply would take some time. “Everyone goes through this!” is what I thought. “Look, as soon as I grow up, watch out! I’ll have extroverted the fuck up.” This reasoning sounds strange now, though I wholeheartedly believed in something like it.
[There’s more to the story, there always is. It’s going to be incomplete though in this particular instance. (Moral, for now: Cowabunga, dude, I’m an introvert, woo*.)]
4
Shadow aspects. There’s something to be said about an individual’s ability to function healthily from a place filled with both dark and light aspects. There, really, cannot be one without the other.
Working on and with oneself takes tenacity and time, particularly with what is known as the shadow self. We are the only ones privy to all sides of ourselves, and we know which ones we aren’t comfortable with either acknowledging or sharing with folks (even as I say this, I know things pertaining to this essay that I have not bared here). For some of us, even with our self-esteem issues — I know that we would like to focus on the positive, and keep that raw, unruly side hidden and unbidden.
Ignoring or trying to stuff it up inside of you does not work though, and it will creep out from the cracks, eventually. Introspecting might help you understand your shadow self to some extent (it did, for me), therapy too. Acknowledging it truly helps… Because it leads you to another step that is key to your journey on this earth, acceptance. Accepting is not to dismiss the things you need to and want to work on (healthily, of course); it’s just to not berate or hate ourselves any longer for the things we don’t yet understand about ourselves — instead befriend those parts so that we can glow and grow.
[There were many lessons I encountered in 2019, as you can imagine, and the ones not featured here have found their way into my journals and voice recordings. For this essay, I chose four lessons that stood out for me, considering their overarching themes. What I know now (ha, thanks Amelia L.!) helped me reach a different place (internally) from where I once was (at least, at the start of last year). None of these observations were A-HA moments in the immediate way that you come upon them — they did come to me though at times when I was partaking in sessions of ‘deep healing x deep feeling’… Lisa (Houle), I love you.]
*an excited low-pitch extended woo
